My Own Worst Enemy
Wanna know who it is?
Me.
I’m sure you guessed that right away. LOL But it’s true. 9 times out of 10, I am my own worst enemy.
Over the past months, coming up on two years actually, I’ve struggled with pretty much every existential issue known to man. People grieve in different ways, and since I don’t do anything else like a normal person, why should I grieve like a normal person? LOL
Well, I didn’t.
I can 100% say that my grief opened my eyes to a million different things that I needed to see and might not have otherwise. It’s hard to say that the death of a loved one can benefit the living, but I daresay that it’s almost always true. IF we let it. In a way, I think it’s a great way to honor those who are gone–to learn and grow and become better people BECAUSE of their life and the loss of it. I think, in fact, that there may be no greater compliment. If I could get a glimpse of the lives of my friends and family after I’m gone, and I heard them say that my death brought about amazing changes in their lives, I would consider my life (and my death) a raving success. Life, death, grief, growth…they’re all strange and mystical things.
It’s funny how you can be in a tailspin and not really know how much of your life is in disarray until it starts to fall back into proper alignment. I didn’t realize how far I’d drifted out to sea until I stopped looking at the people and things around me and looked back to shore. I hardly recognized where I was at that point, and had almost no idea how I’d gotten there.
But I know now.
I know how I got there–here. I let things and people and mistaken priorities pull me, slowly and gently, away from where I belong, where I’m most effective, where I’m most content. I dipped a toe into dangerous waters and, before I knew it, the undertow had dragged me out to sea. I’d let the current influence me, but, the thing is, that’s not who I am. I was meant to swim against the current, not to go along with what everyone else is doing. I’m unique, as are you, and we each have something individual and valuable to offer, but we can’t find out what that is doing what everyone else is doing, going where everyone else is going. Just because it’s the easy path doesn’t mean it’s the right one.
Before I knew it, I was miles and miles away from my best me. I never would’ve thought I could drift so far. I suppose I thought I was so deeply rooted that nothing could drag me from firm ground, but boy was I wrong! Before I even knew what the heck was happening, my feet were nowhere near solid ground. I was so busy going along that I didn’t recognize I’d gotten a little lost, that I was simply treading water, trying every day to stay afloat and keep my head above water. Lemme tell ya, that’s both exhausting and ineffective in terms of getting anywhere in life. LOL Thankfully, God brought all these realizations to my attention, and not a moment too soon. When I looked out and saw where I was, I did a little evaluation and assessed my options. Basically, there were two: I could stay where I was and eventually sink; or I could start swimming back to shore.
So I started swimming.
And I swam.
And I swam.
And I swam.
And I’m still swimming.
(I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it, too)
I’m finally headed back to where I should be. I’m tired. I won’t lie. LOL But I’m also determined. And satisfied. And content. I’m happy in that deep and meaningful way that I felt when God was at the helm of my life. I hate that I took the detour. I hate to fall or to fail, or any variation of either one, but it was worth it. Even though it wasn’t ideal, I’ll be better for it. I’ve learned innumerable lessons during this trip, more valuable than I know even at this point. I’d say I’ll be learning from this experience for many, many years to come. But that’s okay. If we aren’t learning and growing, we are stagnating and that’s not what I want to do with my life. I want to grow. Flourish. Blossom. I want to try every day to be a better person, a more supportive sister, a more loyal friend, a bigger believer, and the hard lessons are usually the ones that accomplish the most. I can say now that I very much look forward to what comes next. I know I’m in the right place and it will happen at the right time and for the right reasons. There is much peace to be had in that simple knowledge. I forgot how much I missed it.
If, like me, you’re just making your way back to shore, welcome home! And if you’re still adrift, feeling all alone in the dark, turbulent sea, start swimming back in the right direction. It’s easy to get lost sometimes, but shore has a pull, a gravity all its own. It’s like no other. You’ll feel it deep down if you pay close enough attention. Let it guide you, let it bring you back. Because, as Dorothy said, there’s no place like home:)
