Back to Square One

Going “back to square one” usually has a bad connotation, doesn’t it?  It’s usually indicative of a setback of some sort, of having to start over because of failure.  Well, in this case, in the way I’m talking about it today, it’s not. It’s actually a very, very good thing.

The realization that I need to go back to square one came to me in two swift kicks to the head. Kick one happened last week.

I have new covers for the Blood Like Poison series and I showed them to my sister.  She told me that series was, still to this day, her favorite of all my books.  She remembers specific lines from those books, which is very telling in and of itself, as any avid reader knows.  When actual quotes stick with you, they’ve made a big impression.

As I was thinking about that series, I remembered how easy those books were to write. I just sat down with my characters and my love of them and I typed. There was no worry, no fear of judgement, no concern over popularity or perception. I was just doing something I loved and I was thrilled to the bone to be able to do it.  My only goal was to make enough money doing it that I wouldn’t have to go back to nursing.  That was my ONLY goal. I finally had a job that I not only didn’t HATE, but LOVED and I was as happy as a pig in mud.

So much has changed since those days.

Now, there are a million worries that go along with writing and publishing, and, being the overachiever that I am, I take them ALL very seriously.  I could go into copious amounts of detail.  Lists upon lists of concerns, but that’s another talk for another day.  Today I’m talking about square one.

The second part of this realization came just a little while ago when my husband and I were sitting outside. We were simply enjoying the weather, partaking in some silent contemplation of life and all. the. things.  As I was pondering, I asked him, “What would make you happy?”  I thought he might have some new life goal that I didn’t know about.  I was expecting an answer like, “To go to Fiji” or “To lose twenty pounds.”  You know the kinds of answers you get when you ask people broad questions like that.

That’s not what I got at all.

My sweet soul mate looked across the table at me and said, “For you to be happier. For you not to worry so much about your books.”

Even now, as I sit here typing this, my heart breaks.  I could just cry.  How wonderful is he?  How absolutely amazing is this man?  And look how I’ve hurt him– that he is less happy because of me.  I’ve let my competitiveness, my need to excel and succeed steal my joy.  I’ve been aware of it, of course. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m driving myself crazy.  No, I know exactly how out of balance I’ve become.  I know exactly how stressed I get, how much pressure I put on myself. I know exactly how nuts I get over things that don’t matter in the long run, that don’t really matter NOW.  But it never occurred to me that HE might feel it, that I might be hurting the person I love most in the world.

And yet I have.

That has to stop. It has to.

It’s time to get back to square one. To writing what I love because I love it, and with no other agenda in mind.  That sounds like it would be the easiest thing in the world, and for some it is.  But I’m not built that way.  It’s a struggle for me to be casual about anything.  I’m the type of person who can take anything and make it harder than it has to be. LOL  But this is something I NEED to do.  For me. For my husband.  For the quality of the rest of my life.  For my marriage.  Because, unless God has other plans, I intend to write for many, many years to come.  But I plan to be married forEVER.

So, the crux of it is, I need to find a happier way forward.  Love is worth it, isn’t it? Isn’t that what I write about?  Pleasing a man who loves me so much that MY happiness is HIS happiness?

Yes.  It sure is.

THAT is what REAL love is and I intend to keep it:) 

So, *raises glass* here’s to happier, better balanced, well-adjusted days ahead, loving and being loved by the most amazing man in the world, and writing about just such things!